MeMolly.com

9-6-2021 12:21 A.M.

This is an old diary entry of mine. It tells a lot about me, so here you go...An introduction to Molly Roxx.

There are voices in my head, but I am not crazy.  All the voices are mine. They are my happy voice and my angry voice and my funny voice and my stressed voice. For some reason they want me to open my eyes and realize that death is all around me. Karma is all around me. The world is all around me and it is full of germs and hate and death and sorrow and poverty.... Here I sit with my cat in a ball of confusion thinking about my estranged husband for some reason. I was his emotional and physical punching bag. I was his catchall, as I caught all his shit. I was his dart board for his glares and comments and orders and demands. I was his teddy bear that comforted him. I was his security blanket that made him feel like he belonged. I was his everything. I was his property. I was the one he screamed at when he was mad at others and at situations and at himself. I was his floor for him to walk all over. I was his everything, and he left me with nothing. 

"Nothing" is what I needed to revive myself. All of me, personality, mind, body, soul spirit. When you have nothing, you have nothing holding you back. You have nothing stopping you. You have the opportunity to reach up to the sky and grab a handful of stars. Some people reach below and grab a handful of evil and start to treat themselves the way their tormentors treated them and then they go hunting for victims of their own.  I swear to every creature in the heavens...I WILL NEVER BE A VICTIM AGAIN! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON YOU BASTARD SENT FROM HELL TO DESTROY ME! YOU FAILED! I AM MOLLY HEAR ME ROAR! Thinking my bark is louder than my bite? Try me!

And everyone is dying. I lost my brother when I was 20 and I honestly don't give a fuck about that. He molested me and beat me most of my life and I didn't have parents who gave a damn. He beat me in front of them all the time. Sometimes they would tell him to stop, other times they would just look the other way. Then I lost my grandmother who was a sweet, old Lithuanian woman. She was silly and loving and generous and kind, and I loved her oh so much. Then husband number 1 died and a few years later husband number 2 died. Husband number one lied and cheated and never laid a violent hand on me but would yell at me so loudly and for so long drool would fall from his lips and he would spit and pant and throw things. Husband number 2 was my best friend for a while. We had a great relationship. We laughed all the time and went on road trips and life was beautiful, until it wasn't. Until alcohol and cocaine came into the picture. I drank here and there, socially but nothing much. He drank beer, a lot...And then he started snorting and it made him energetic and wild and insane and violent but not on me. He never laid a hand on me. He would call me fat and ugly. One night he threw 5 steak knives at me but they all missed...So I made him leave and he found someone new and then he drove drunk into a fence one night and died right in front of his sister. Then 2010 began. Jan 2nd, mom dies of a heart attack because she takes some tainted cold medicine that was recalled for causing heart attacks, but she didn’t know about the recall. She has a heart attack, then a stroke, then another heart attack and then she went to sleep never to wake up. And my dad calls, and I ask if I can see her and he says no, she will be fine, but he was wrong, and it's not fair.

Life went on and boyfriends came and went, and I worked 1-2 jobs because I had the love of my life to take care of, my son. He was my everything. My best friend. He had such a sweet and silly soul. I just miss him so much and the tears are rolling now, and I just want to hug him and never let him go...But the morning of September 12, 2018 happened...And I found his lifeless body in his bed. Sudden Epileptic death is what they called the reason for his death. He deserved better. He was the most innocent and beautiful and precious being to ever enter my life, and he should still be here. I need his hugs and his songs and his laughter. Everybody leaves and most don't say goodbye and the tears roll and I have to start again. Start over. I am once again on a shopping spree for my life as I have nothing, and you can't live for nothing or live with nothing. So, I fight this silent fight in my head with myself and I struggle to function, but I do. I do not give up. Giving up is not an option. And I shall fail and rise and succeed and fall but I get up. I wipe the tears out of my eyes, and I carry on, because I must. I don't give myself a choice. I carry on because if I don't no one will do it for me. There is no one to depend on but myself. I am the only one I will spend the rest of my life with. Other people are just chapters in my life, hell some are just sentences or honorable mentions. And some not so honorable mentions.

5/13/2025

One of the pain meds I take is to just keep me in less pain than I am in when I first wake up until the next pain killer kicks in which takes almost 4 hours to take effect but then it works for 24 hours. I try to take it at different times of day, but it makes me have hot flashes and I already have those being that I am a 50-year-old woman so I would rather try to sleep through them.  I have no AC and am in Florida…Basically, more hot flashes feels so much like I am a death row inmate who is slowly getting their sentence given to them one un-air-conditioned hot flash at a time.

You know the AC unit broke, and it is so old no one will touch it. I got several estimates. They will replace but not repair and that is a little more than 10 grand and nope, I can barely afford my utilities. I can’t always afford food. I just have lots of fans aimed at me cuz no new ac will be happening in my life span. My cats always have food though so never worry about that. Plus, it’s not my house. Dad died and I am responsible to get this house ready for the reverse mortgage company to take. Sure, leave the responsibilities up to the disabled child in the wheelchair…But that’s who and how my dad was. He always made things super hard for me, especially my childhood and the last 3.5 years of his life. No one else in the family has offered to help even though they are all physically and financially able. No one wants to help him because he never helped them. My half bro and sis…Hell they just want me out of the house so that if there is any profit after the reverse mortgage takes it over, they get their share. My sister emails me a few times a month checking on it. She never did that before, but she may get a few bucks now, so I matter suddenly. My family is just sad. I spent the last years of my dad’s life waiting on him hand and foot through his abusive dementia and his hard to deal with disabilities. He would walk with a walker and just poop freely as he walked, and I cleaned it up. I fed him spoonful by spoonful and he spit it out at me. We had good days, don’t get me wrong but…He really made me feel like crap which seemed to please him as it always did. He was narcissistic and hurtful, but helpless and being an empath, I had to…and I do mean HAD TO take care of him because my conscious wouldn’t let me not do it. That’s why I always get hurt in relationships. I feel a psychological need that is so strong it becomes mental and practically a physical need to help people heal…and usually they do it by damaging me. So I cry alone.