1/31/2026

I am so cold! We have been in a state of emergency here in KY due to weather for an entire week and they are just now letting people drive and leave their homes again. Our driveway is a huge/steep hill of ice so we can’t get up it but we can at least get some groceries delivered. I ordered us some sandwiches and some meds for me. I have yet another uti. I get them non-stop. TMI I’m sure but I don’t care. They are common with MS and they suck and so I am happy I can get meds delivered in 3 hours or less.  MS is different for everyone but we all have some of the same symptoms too and bladder issues are at the top of the list and everything about the disease is uncomfortable and gross and painful and did I mention uncomfortable? I have 3 chronic illnesses…How did this happen? MS. Tuberous Sclerosis. POTS. The universe wants me to die…Well fuck that because I am a fighter and will do everything in my power to live, always have and always will. My family still thinks that me losing weight will help me heal which you don’t heal from chronic illness as it is not possible. They also think I am in the wheelchair because of my MS which I am not but they never ask me anything they just always jump to conclusions. I have let them know I have a blog so they can learn about me if they want so we shall see. Until I remember to write again, have a good one! xoxoxx

2/7/2026

I have developed magical powers since I turned 50. I can now predict the weather with an 85% accuracy. For example, it is going to snow tomorrow as my back and neck are in horrible pain. My head hurt the other day, so I knew it was going to rain. My knees barely could bend a few days before that, so I knew it was going to be humid. My body is a very painful weather psychic. I wish it chose a different profession, but I guess as we all age we all become these awful weather psychics. Women go from having their “womanly” cycles to perimenopause to menopause to weather psychics…Being a woman is so fucking magical I would like to just burst out into song!

Oh woman hood

Woman hood

It’s so friggin’ fun

I am so happy I’m a woman

I would like to buy a gun

I would like to shoot my cramps

I would like to stab my hot flashes

I would like to burn my mood swings

To a tiny pile of ashes

Oh woman hood woman hood

It’s so friggin’ fun…

And that is my song…

2/15/2026

I wish I could write like I used to. I could spew poetry like…I don’t know, I can’t write like I used to. MS really does wreck your brain along with PTSD and all of the other crap I have, not counting perimenopause and whatever else keeps me in this brain fog all of the time. I used to be so creative and now I feel like I am in a constant state of “duh”. Anyone else ever feel like that? Imagine feeling like that ALL OF THE TIME!! It makes me quite sad because just a few years ago, literally a few years ago when I was staying with my dad in Florida I wrote an entire book of poetry, 50 brand new spanking poems that are really good and I wrote them in a week, and yesterday I wrote an okay poem and it took all day and it is okay, kinda…sorta…this is it.

Friday the 13th didn’t knock me down

Then why are you lying on the ground?

Because your bullshit lies pushed me down

I have a monster in my heart

Oh how I wish I didn’t

Since we’ve been apart

Apart for years

And years and years

Apart for tears

And tears

And tears

I fell in love with you

You fell in loathe with me

You don’t give a crap about the sacrifices that I made for you

All you cared about was cheating

Always hoping to meet someone new

You gaslit me

You love bombed me

You were a good little narcissist

You lied to me

You lied about me

You accomplished everything

On your little checklist

 

I don’t know if I am finished with it. I miss my damned estranged husband, and I know as he gave me PTSD and abused me in every sense of the word and lied to me and about me and he was just no good for me and to me that it sounds crazy that I miss him. I went to therapy about him. I upped my Prozac and started anxiety meds over him and still, I miss him. I miss the laughter we had together. We had so much laughter…on the good days, during the good moments, but then his eyes would widen and turn black, and his soul would slip out of his body, and the devil would take over, and the cruelty of the narcissist would invade him his smile was gone and there he stood, Diablo. No longer a man but monster. No longer my friend but my enemy. My heart breaks all over again just thinking about it. And I still miss him; I can’t explain it. Obviously, therapy doesn’t work.

I’ve never met a man before or after him that liked to just goof off and have fun. All they want is sex and then to hang out with their friends. He and I were genuinely friends, or at least it felt like it. We spent every minute together and there were a lot of good minutes but then he would want to be back with his ex, so he would pick fights and start with the lies and start seeing her behind my back and start the abuse and start all of the crap and it’s like GROW UP ALREADY! Just tell me you want to break up. Grow up and be a man and maybe we can not destroy one another. Why do all relationships have to end with one or more people getting destroyed? What does that actually accomplish? Did that somehow make him feel like a big boy? Did it help him get himself some new big boy pants? Seriously does being an asshole and a creep make people feel proud because it’s nothing to be proud of. I would think being honest and kind and generous would make people feel proud not being a super douche-tastic piece of shit-tastic toe cheese yet so many people choose to act like the latter, it truly astonishes me. I mean WOW!